172. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. You never run out of things that can go wrong. It changes your perception and these short positive affirmations have a way of changing the way you look at yourself and feel more confident. 221. Your actions become your habits. 105. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 90. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know Its called tomorrow. Pat Sajak Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. 13. Jun 19, 2018 - Explore Jamie Hadland's board "funny/sarcastic affirmations" on Pinterest. Go to bed with satisfaction.". I am here to live to the fullest. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. 183. With a cowculator. 230. 180. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. Give your body time to absorb the positivity and let go of negative thoughts. 93. 142. Ive been doing nothing for years. Everyone brings happiness to this office. 75 Powerful Affirmations for Self-Love - Fun Loving Families I am calm, patient and at peace. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me. Alison Boulter 86. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? 40 Positive Affirmations to Repeat for Success and Happiness - Oprah Daily 210. Short Funny Affirmations - Finally, I'm Revealing My Secret 268. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. 246. 92. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? We get so worried about being pretty lets be pretty kind, pretty funny, pretty smart, pretty strong., 9. Once youve chosen one of our affirmations or devised your own, its time to put it into practice. 41 Positive Affirmations & Positive Quotes To Treasure Short Funny Sayings We may speak different languages, but we all laugh the same. I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. If you are looking for a way to get more laughs in your day, try some of these funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. 168. Nothing, they just waved. Cry a river. 6. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes: Short Holiday Sayings - Parade Nothing, they just waved. - Benjamin Franklin. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. 41. I receive what I believe. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. Walter Bagehot. 278. 276. 51. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. "In life only one thing is certain, Friday will come.". But you can always be immature. 1. 110 Positive Funny Affirmations To Make You Smile Daily - The Random Vibez It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'. 3. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. Because seven ate nine. No, but April may. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. The world is my buffet, and my plate is ready to go. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? 37. Frances McDormand, 42. 206. I thought you said extra fries. I believe in what's possible for me. It's OK to take a break. Then you stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath in, open your mouthwait, this is funny. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. Life always offers you a second chance. 58. My son is now an entrepreneur. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. 141. 75. 115. Dont forget to check out our post onlove yourself quotesandvision board quotesto attract positivity in your life. Oh sheet! If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. The library, because it has so many stories. 218. 8. Decomposing. Henny Youngman, 246. Unknown. Bill Murray, 251. Ensure that your actions match your words. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. 204. Its a door, thats how they work. 199. No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. I say what I want and i dont care what everyone else thinks about it. 39 Funny Positive Affirmations [Feel Happier Instantly] - Billie Burke. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer. Heres a list of funny affirmations that will improve your mood instantly. 1. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. (John 14:27) 27. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. 56. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 111. Edward A. Murphy Dear universe, I am totally open to all the amazing things coming my way. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. Fortunately, theres a way to reap the benefits of these powerful statements by giving them a humorous twist. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. Using humor can help you bridge the gap and empower you to believe in affirmations and their outcome. 43. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? Let me know in the comments section down below! Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. Dave Barry. Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all time., See also: 210 Killer Self Love Captions For Instagram To Lift You Up. Not only can laughter improve our problem-solving skills, but it can also help battle various diseases. 160. Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. 31. "Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese.". Because he was always spotted. 138. I understand people talking about me. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Declare your affirmations slowly and clearly. No matter what I look like. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. 215. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. 230. I see food, and I eat it. I might take a nap if I get tired, but I wont quit. God has never abandoned me. My cankles will hold me. Check out our funny affirmation selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 121. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. In between, I am alive. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. 211. 112. You can write them down and use them whenever you're attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Read next: 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. 36. I keep moving forward even if my pants come off. My jokes do. Once you're feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. So far, so good. Im not lazy, Im just very relaxed. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. I celebrate the highs, learn from the lows and now I release it into the past. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. Lily Tomlin Sam Levenson. I didnt want to interrupt her. I love living in my unique female body. He who laughs last didnt get it. 4. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. 279. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. 85 Funny Wednesday Quotes, Sayings, Pics, and Images - The Random Vibez 270. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. In the morning, I cant get up. I dont think thats a coincidence., 3. 145. Its called tomorrow. 93. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Funny Affirmations - Etsy Erma Bombeck "It's going to be hard, but hard does not mean impossible.". A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. 6. "Once you choose hope, anything's possible.". I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. 39 funny positive affirmations. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. Because he was always spotted. Bill Murray I am lazy till I get a motive. 39. The Only 100 Positive Affirmations You Will Ever Need 200+ Funny Life Quotes Dripping With Sarcasm And Wit - Scary Mommy In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. We have rounded up the best collection of funny affirmations, quotes, sayings, captions, positive thoughts (with images and pictures) to encourage friends and family to manifest their thoughts into things. What doesnt kill you makes your drinks stronger., 10. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. What is Mozart doing right now? 125. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 211. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. One of the most important aspects of affirmations is how authentic they feel to you. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. No No NOYes. Actually, you dont have to imagine. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? 272. Why is England the wettest country? Maybe Monday doesn't like you either. Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. 160. Every day I am devoted to my passions and dreams. 221. Start as soon as you wake up in the morning. Why cant you trust an atom? I just go normal from time to time. 267. Im gonna be worse., 12. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? If I am willing to go back to bed when I wake up, I will go and make up the bed. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. Rather, the goal is to help kids recognize the truth, in situations and in themselves. You might undoubtedly relate with them, and yet you will not feel laid back because of your weaknesses. 12. If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. 271. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. 1. Because they make up everything. If only common sense were more common. Read next: 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset, Posted on Published: January 26, 2023- Last updated: January 27, 2023, Home 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, Fabulous List Of 120 Cute Names To Call Your Crush, 120 Follow Your Dreams Quotes To Keep You On The Track. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. 236. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me. Im thinking like a proton, always positive., 9. Breasts dont have eyes. ( @malacollective) Fear and adventure go hand-in-hand when you're following your dreams. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! 68. Its okay, he woke up. 25 Daily Mantras For Positive Thinking | Positive Creators 153. 118. I am quite fascinating. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. 5. 14. - Bette Midler. Ken Dodd 8. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Life always offers you a second chance. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. Use them throughout the day whenever you experience negative thoughts. First, read the most powerful affirmations below to build a strong mind. 96. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. Discover short videos related to funny affirmations on TikTok. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. 10. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. I love my job only when Im on vacation. 241. 222. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. Being funny increase people's tendency to connect with you and talk to you. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me., 14. 229. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. I bet giraffes dont even know what farts smell like. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Today I will embrace the poop., 7. Live life to the fullest. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 255. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. Swimming trunks. You need some sort of way to offset the inevitable stressors of life, and what better way to do that than with humor? Helen Giangregorio. 251. Short Funny Quotes. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. 167. 219. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. As I become responsible, I have got more powers. 98. Gary Delaney 131. Mind blown! You were too lazy to read that number. 190. 248. Roy Lichtenstein When nothing is going right, go left. Just like every Monday does on Earth. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. 166. 17. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. I stick to things until I get to my destination., 12. Chris Rock Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. 134. 100. 40 Short Positive Affirmations + Free Printable - Dare Your Lifestyle 223. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for! Boost your ego and narcissism in as little as 5 minutes per day and set yourself up for success. 61. Socrates. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. It gets toad away. avoid carbs. 119. Bill Murray Every one of my colleagues brings happiness into the office. Not me, but somebody does. Effective pushing often involves poop. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours., 6. Have a look! 42. Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. 277. Learn sign language, its very handy. 128. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Perhaps youre just starting to use affirmations and still cant take yourself seriously. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? Not me, but somebody does. 70. Heres a giant list of funny affirmations to help you relax your mind with a little humor when youre stressed. I'm Sergios Rotar, a 21 years old personal development enthusiast. 39 Positive Affirmations And Inspiring Quotes About Life 19. 210. The older I get, the more I start ignoring my friends. Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. I try to see the funny side of every situation. Robert A. Heinlein 31. 162. Good morning! Bill Murray. 277. I breathe in and out. Take a look! I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! Why was six scared of seven? Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. 104. I live in a loving, nurturing, safe, and beautiful world. Finding humor in a difficult situation helps me win. 22. With time, I have started to value more time. I am noticing that others are more drawn to me because I am funny. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. "Being funny doesn't take much effort.". It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 9. Can February march? My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. Chris Rock, 256. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. I have a lot to offer. Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat., 6. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. 40. Art doesnt transform. We have a connection. 189. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. Just like every Monday does on Earth. 4. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. 1,132 Positive Affirmations: Your Daily List of - Develop Good Habits Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? Edward A. Murphy. "You have to be odd to be number one.". 59. 97. Yeah, so is a grenade. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. They log in. You can't wait for inspiration. 213. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. Jonathan lockwood huie. 217. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? Funny affirmation quotes funny quotes about affirmation. Using affirmations can significantly impact your outlook on life, but saying such serious statements to yourself can often make you feel silly. 250. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. If only common sense were more common. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. How do you count cows? No one is immune to self-sabotage, heartbreak, loss, and failure. 148. Really? 236. All you need is love. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor., 4. 128. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. 180. 256. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. I tell you what always catches my eye. Is it perfect? 18. I am passing all the things and hardships with a smile. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. I am way dumb than my mom keeps blabbering about me to the neighbors aunt. 242. Short Positive Affirmations - 110 Powerful Affirmations - Mindbless Stuart Turner If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? When they go away, its a brighter day. Learn sign language, its very handy. 28. Affirmations can be written in a journal, spoken out loud, or visualized as a conversation between you and money. Alison Boulter. Happy Birthday.". 1. 110 Funny Work Quotes To Jazz Up Your Workplace - Vantage Circle Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. 279. When life closes a door, just open it again. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. 123. I did it! 69 Funny Affirmations To Lighten Up Your Mood Top 40 Best Funny Affirmations To Make Your Day (2023) Say "Thank you" - A Motivational Video On The Importance Of GratitudeIntro Speech by Denzel Washington (Commencement Speech)Main speech by Fearless Soul "Tha. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Positive affirmations kind of set the way how your day will flow. I experience ease and flow as I navigate my exhilarating life. The world is missing some pizzazz. Remember, What consumes your mind, controls your life., 7. 226. I train my body. What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. I know the best time to make fun. Its scary when it disappears. Feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and more to motivate them every morning. 38. I have seen better days, but Ive also seen worse. I am enough. I am confused between what I like the most hanging out or posting that I hung out. Ken Dodd, 255. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. East. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. Short Funny Affirmations - Finally, I'm Revealing My Secret 146. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Affirmations are a great way to change your mindset. Thank God Im an atheist. I make a difference by showing up fully. As you can see, laughter is already a powerful tool on its own. And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. What is Mozart doing right now? I dont cross oceans for people who wouldnt cross puddles for me. 164. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 118. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. 114. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 34. So put on your favorite song, take a deep breath, and say these affirmations during your next tough time for some much-needed positivity! Good morning! Run. I am loving all the bad experiences because they are giving me something . But you can always be immature. Microchips. Short people with an umbrella. 11. 258+ Funny & Happy Friday Quotes To Explode Your Energy Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. You cant have everything, where would you put it? 4. 8. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. 109. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. 80. 50. Does it count if you say them in your mind? I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. 63. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. 192. 21. What is the tallest building in the entire world? Whatever the case may be, a sense of humor can go a long way toward changing your perspective on negative occurrences in your life. Honolulu, its got everything. 144. 77. Everyone brings happiness to this office. If you see affirmations that say " I will, " " I used to, " or " I'm going to, " then this is NOT an affirmation. 235. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. It was created to do amazing things. 174. Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. 113. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. I hope you enjoyed this article on funny affirmations! I dont suffer from insanity. "It's only WednesdayHang in there!". I am on a seafood diet. 149. 120 Funny/sarcastic affirmations ideas - Pinterest Heres some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. I dont want to fix my spending habits. Some when they enter, some when they leave. They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. 8. 26. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. Ben Hogan. Alright, get in the basket. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. 149. You wanna know who Im in love with? 10. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. We need to hear a pin drop. I never apologize. I eat cake because its someones birthday somewhere today. Today, I look at my goals. Not everyone has good taste., 3. - Marcus Tullius Cicero. Words have the power to make or break us. 35. Benjamin Franklin. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Never judge a book by its movie. You can make friends and have good relationships if you believe in your sense of humor and fill your mind with funny and positive thoughts. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. 92. 46. To thrive in life you need three bones. 26. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. 3. "I am becoming humorous day by day.". - Jack London. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. Robert A. Heinlein, 243. 253. I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am hot!, 14. Charles M. Schulz If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. 228. Whatever the case may be, these 15 affirmations will make you feel confident in your sense of humor: Once youre feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. Today I will embrace the poop. 7. Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. Milton Berle 145. happy. 7. In between, I am alive., 7. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Sincerely, the floor. - Roy T. Bennett. 70+ Daily Affirmations That'll Rock Your World - Fun Cheap or Free Read the first word again. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny. Any text will do. Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. 1. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. 146. 264. 9. 40. I am happy and joyful.